I was all hesitation, all bittersweet desire. We spoke of feeling, when all I wanted was the cooling numbness of meaningless touches. I lay down beside you with a tentative knowing, I closed my mind off to you and I opened my body up to all possibilities. You rubbed my back, a confident, friendly touch, which belied the anguish of having my warmth a zephyr on your skin.
You kissed me between my shoulder blades as I fell asleep. I couldn’t look at you so I numbed my body to my position, while breathing in the fire of unfulfilled need.
When I woke I could feel nothing but the chasm between us; my open-limbed form next to your silent offerings. You pulled me closer. I lay awake in a moral war zone, resisting, resisting. My back arched against you and I pressed myself against your subtle landscapes. I twisted and turned in self-perpetuated anguish in a tug-a-war between body and reality. I wanted you to overcome me. I wanted to feel you grow beneath me. Your heart beat violently against me and I understood your need. It was not dark like mine; but simply innocent.
I was important to you. My eyes remained shut.
You pulled me in tighter, folding yourself upon my cooling body. The self-inflicted death of conviction, I turned my body to you. I opened my eyes to find your gaze upon my face. Your kiss was painful with hunger; a swift uncertain thing. Your happy moans into my hair made me want to fade from you. I was all hesitation. But you, you weren’t about to fade. Wide-eyed, self-assured, your hands explored my back, my desires, my weakness.
My body was falling, falling and my mind flailing, flailing. I was so afraid of giving you more than I have to give.
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